Struggles with Mind and Body

What I want is always ahead of what I think I want.

What I think I want is always a reduction and reflection of what I actually want.

What I actually want is always a spontaneous, not completely predictable, bodily movement that is either a response to something or a creative act itself.

When I do what I previously thought I wanted to do, it always has the quality of being a happy accident and does not mean that my thinking controlled my future actions, though it certainly influenced it.

My past, present, and future desires are often in conflict with each other.

And yet, how can I do what I want without knowing what it is first?

What does it mean to do what I want without wanting it beforehand?

Does perception lag behind action?

If so, am I floating in a virtual world of the past as my body unavoidably moves into the always invisible future, like a string pulling me into someone else’s dream?

If so, this is terrifying.